Soccer Match of Doom in a Bottle of Sand
by ZoologyKaM
Summary: It begins with a giant doughnut and ends with a human-armadillo hybrid in a soccer goal! It is worth the read like cupcakes are worth getting lost in a horrible earth city! OBEY THE FIST AND READ IT! This is an actual dream I had. Really funny. (Two Shot)
1. Injured for a Giant Doughnut

It all started when me, my brother, and some of my friends from my college campus were flown to this wooded area one dark summers night.

"Why are we even here? Melissa asked.

"Because it's cool. Do we need a reason?" I said smiling around. The area looked like an abandoned city that became overgrown with plants after some apocalyptic type event took place to scare out and/or kill any humans, aliens, or penguins that used to live there.

"I say you need a reason. You drag me out here in the middle of the night just to have me fly you to this plant-stink place?" Zim stood looking around skeptically at the state of the area. He was really tall for some reason, just taller than me and I'm 5 feet and 5 inches, making him around 5'9". He was wearing black jeans with a chain hanging from the pocket; his black jacket which looked exactly like one I bought from the guys section at Target, hung loosely over a deep pink shirt with a bright red Irken symbol on it. He bent down and picked up some dirt between his fingers, rubbed it a bit then sprinkled it back onto the ground. "No humans have lived here in several of your planet's decades. For what purpose are we here?"

I just shrugged and started walking off towards a really tall building, around 10 stories tall.

"Kam! Hang on a second!" my friend Natalie came chasing after me. "We don't know how safe this place is. We should wait for the guys to catch up."

I just raised my eyebrow. "We have my brother here, and he has a sound effects app on his iPod. Why should we wait?"

She didn't have a response to that, probably because she didn't know why a sound effects app was meaningful. But I knew better. How could you go out to a creepy abandoned building without having the cliché horror film sounds? That would just be stupid.

I started walking up the pathway to the tall building and went inside. Zim and my brother were the only ones that followed me. The girls stayed behind.

"What are we looking for anyway?" Zim asked.

I looked around the entrance hallway that looked like a hotel and ignored his question. It was a secret, so secretive that even I didn't know!

My brother William and Zim exchanged a confused look and shrugged at each other. Then Will ran up ahead and went all super-ninja on the walls. He crawled across the ceiling really fast and went around the corner. He came back towards us with a huge smile on his face a few seconds later.

"GIANT DOUGNUTS!" he yelled.

Zim and I both exchanged super-happy-excited smiles then ran off after my brother. We rounded the corner but there were no doughnuts; it was just another hallway.

"Earth-fool! Speak the location of these doughnuts or be destroyed!" Zim pulled a laser out of his PAK and pointed it at my brother. I jumped up, grabbed the laser and bit the front of it. It was made of metal so my bite didn't do anything other than confuse the heck out of Zim and my brother. They stared at me as I let go and landed back on the ground.

"No fighting." I told them. Zim retracted his laser.

We walked to this opening that looked like the center of the Macy's in downtown Chicago that's 7 floors high and you can see all the way up because of a hole in the floor. I ran over to what was once an escalator but since it was broken it was just stairs, and started going up. Zim and Will followed.

We got to the top floor and looked around. Over in the corner stood some weird man in black, he was wearing a mask and superhero spandex but he didn't look like a good guy, he looked like Kyd Wyydx from Teen Titans. He was holding the giant doughnut over the edge of the building.

"Hey." I spoke out; "Let's not do anything hasty…" that doughnut could feed our bellies for days before it went stale. It would be a shame to waste it. The super-hero-villain looked at me then looked at the doughnut. He turned and moved the doughnut so it was back over the roof of the building and set it down. The bottom of the doughnut was on the ground but the rest of it was just fine to eat so I was happy.

Oh and also the heroillain guy ran and punched Zim in the face. Zim fell to the ground. The guy then turned and kicked me in the stomach. My brother ran and bodyslammed him. I coughed and watched the two of them grappling over the doughnut.

"GO, WILL! GO! FOR THE SAKE OF THE DOUGHNUT!" I cheered my brother on like a high school cheerleader in a skirt that's too short for her long legs.

At first it looked like my brother had the upper hand/claw but then the heroillain swept his foot and knocked my brother's legs out from under him. I yelled out and everything felt like it went into slow motion as I watched my brother slip and fall into the hole in the roof. The same hole that led all the way to the ground floor.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I RAN TO THE OPENING YELLING! "WILLIAM!" I heard a sound effect from a sad trombone, but that trombone was silenced before it ever finished it's wale. No more trombone… no more William.

I nearly dove down the hole after him but Zim grabbed my hand. The tears were so bad out of my eyes that I could barely see, but Zim lead me safely down the escala-stairs and we ran to where my brother was. He was lying on his back looking up. His eyes were closed but there was no blood. I ran to him and lifted his head in my hands. His neck was broken. I knew you shouldn't pick up a person with a broken neck but he was still breathing so I yelled for Zim to get the Voot Cruiser.

"We'll go to Japan!" I yelled when Zim protested that Will couldn't be saved. "Their technology is better! They can turn him into a cyborg and save him!" So we packed up my brother grabbed my other friends and we all climbed into the Voot cruiser and headed for Japan.


	2. Cyborgy ArdvarkMoose Cloud! SCORE!

_**A/N:**__ Due to the fact that it was a dream and I didn't remember all of it I really only added what I did remember. This part is broken up by 2 dreamy scene skips. I'm sure you all know what that's like right?_

_I was originally going to add more with my friends but I figured it's fine the way it is and why would you want to ruin a funny subconscious_ _moment with thoughts from reality? Am I right?_

* * *

**Trip to the hospital with Zim**

We arrived at the hospital and ran inside; Zim carried my brother. I ran up to the front desk and started to explain why my brother needed immediate help but the man at the desk just yelled at me in Japanese. I couldn't understand him cause the subtitles were off so I turned them back on.

"We have no room! Go away!" he yelled.

"But my brother needs your cyborgy goodness!" I yelled back.

The man scratched his chin and said, "It won't be cheap. 10 bajillian yen for the procedure."

I looked at the floor and sadly informed him that I only had US dollars. He yelled that USD was no good here. Zim spoke up and asked if alien money would work.

"Is it Irken?" the man asked. Zim nodded. The man got angry and yelled, "THEN IT'S DEFINITELY NO GOOD!" He turned his back on us and went to pull a burrito puppy out of a filing cabinet.

"Please!" I begged. "There has to be some way we can get the procedure done for him!?"

The man turned and looked at me. He pointed at me with the burrito puppy and said, "There is but you are too weak for it! You would die in a minute!"

"FOOLS!" Zim yelled and slammed his fist on the desk. "I am being forced by this insane-earth-female to help so you will not stop the amazing ZIM!"

The guy stared in shock for a moment then nodded, suddenly completely OK with the idea. "Go up to the roof and talk to the referee. He'll get you all set up.

The door to the roof opened up to reveal a giant soccer field! All sorts of aliens and cyborgs were running around it. I went over to talk to the ref. He laughed at me until Zim charred the man's hair with his PAK laser. The man directed us to the field and introduced the home team.

"All you have to do is score one goal against them and you win." He told us. This didn't really seem fair but then again we were 4 humans and an abnormally tall Irken against 5 robot-animal-chimera-cyborgs and a dust cloud.

"Let the games begin!" The announcer got really loud echoing over the stadium that sat on the roof overlooking New York City! Because somehow between the first floor and the roof we were transported from Tokyo to New York.

* * *

**Soccer Match of Doom**

Zim had the ball but this giant alien that looked like a metal aardvark with moose antlers came up and stole it.

"HEY!" Zim yelled. He began to chase after the metal-aardoose but then the giant cloud of dust ran him over. There was nothing in the cloud of dust it was just a really heavy cloud of dust. After it passed over him he was laying on the ground his wig askew with one of his antennae sticking out and he was missing a contact. He stood up looking really angry.

Putting his thumb and forefinger to his lips he let out a whistle that was so loud it sounded like a tornado siren. I was really impressed he could be that loud.

I looked over at the cloud cause it had stopped to turn and look at Zim. I noticed it looked really angry but I wasn't sure why, so I looked back at Zim. He was dressed from head to toe like a Spanish matadore bull fighter guy, the shiny gold costume, the flowing red cape, EVERYTHING! And he looked pretty awesome in it. It totally went with his green skin.

Zim pulled off his cape and did a 'Toro! Toro!' kind of movement with it. He didn't actually say "Toro toro" cause why would an alien know the Spanish word for bull? That would just be silly; not to mention he wasn't facing a bull he was facing a cloud.

The cloud had one of those angry vein pulsy marks on what I assume was its front then it charged at Zim. Instead of sidestepping the bull like all the cool cartoons do his jaw dropped, antennae went flat to his head and he yelled "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" and then ran like a sissy.

He got trampled again. The poor matadore costume got torn to shreds and Zim was back in his pink uniform.

I ran over and dragged him to his feet. "We should run." I told him.

"Zim does not need your help!" he snapped at me, then he turned and looked back at the cloud which was getting ready for another charge. "However this time I agree. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" he yelled and we ran. We ran like a marching band running from a praying mantis, in other words very quickly.

"So what's the plan?" I asked feeling like I was out of breath.

"The ball?" Zim pointed in front of us where the metal-aardvoose was standing there looking smug with himself. He wasn't even attempting to score on us even though we were obviously busy.

"That's not a plan… that's an objective."

"Alright then how about you distract the cloud while GIR and I get the ball?"

I didn't like this plan very much. The cloud was gaining on us and it kind of smelled like rancid hotdogs covered with mustard and barbeque sauce. "How about we split up and whoever it chases is the distraction?"

Zim nodded cause he was too out of breath to say anything else.

I yelled out "Now!" and we split up; wouldn't you know it the cloud came chasing after me! "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" now it was my turn to run like a sissy. Actually I ran more like an asthmatic armadillo, cause twenty seconds after Zim and I split up I tripped and rolled up into a ball and kept on rolling. I rolled and rolled and then magically transformed into a very pale rolly-polly-potato/pill bug.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" I screamed with my newly found very high-pitched voice. The cloud was still coming after me but I was faster this way. The only problem was that since I was rolled into a ball I couldn't see where I was going. Suddenly I felt something hit me in the back, "Ouch!" I exclaimed and rolled out of my ball. "What was that for?" I looked up crossly to see Zim standing above me. I had somehow also shrunk and was now only as tall as his knee.

"The pathetic referees merely said to get the ball in the goal they never said we had to use the soccer ball." The light was shining down on him as he spoke kind of like that dramatic lighting from heaven; with the sparkles floating down and everything.

I looked up at him in amazement but I was feeling very obfuscated as to what he meant. "Wait…what?"

Zim sighed. "Your new evolved form can act as the ball and I'll take you to the goal."

"but then you'll be kicking me and that will hurt…"

Zim raised an antenna, "Do you want to help your brother or not?" he asked.

I had to admit he was right so I agreed. I curled up again and was immediately kicked in the stomach. Stupid Zim kicked so hard he knocked the wind right out of me and I was forced to uncurl.

"That hurt!"

"Holy tallest… earthlings are so weak…" the light from heaven disappeared as he said this. We both looked up and THE DUST CLOUD WAS BACK!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHhhh" Zim yelled. He ran.  
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" I screemed. I ran.  
We both ran. Ran like we had never run before! The dust cloud had turned a weird shade of black with purple lines going through it like an artist's rendition of a storm cloud on the horizon in the sunset. It looked really scary.

I curled up into a ball as we ran and Zim started kicking me again. It hurt but not bad enough to make me uncurl. I assume we were approaching the goal because Zim was yelling encouragements to himself, "Almost there! Just a little more!" I braced myself for the kick that was to come which did come a second later.

Zim's kick landed on my squishy American-earthling bulbus thing of a butt. It really barely hurt cause I have a built-in airbag down there. Next thing I knew I was sailing through the air. I felt the tips of the goalies' fingers brush against me but I wacked him with my armadillo tail, which looked more fitting for a dissected cat cause it was almost nothing but bones, right in the face. He couldn't stop me and I sailed into the goal.

I heard the whistle blow signaling the game was over! WE WON! I uncurled and laid there back in a normal human body lying on my back with my head towards the field. I looked up and watched Zim run across the ceiling of grass over towards me. I really didn't feel like moving. The grass was really comfortable.

"What are you doing stink-monkey!?" Zim yelled at me and grabbed my arm. I was still lying on the ground as he dragged me to the edge of the field. "Don't you have to do something with your brother?" His voice was muffled; I couldn't hear him very well.

"What did you say?" I asked. I noticed my own voice sounded muffled and there was a buzzing in my ear. I cleaned out some earwax with my free hand but that didn't help.

Zim paused to turn and look at me. His stern expression suddenly turned to one of fear and confusion. He started yelling something but I couldn't hear what it was. That darned buzzing was getting louder. I turned my head to see our friends running towards us with worried expressions.

They ran up and started talking to Zim though it looked more like argumentative questioning. Everything was quiet now except for that horrible buzzing. I laid back down and started to close my eyes. Zim turned to me and I think he was yelling for me to get up but I couldn't. I couldn't move.

A cool wind was blowing on my face and I heard some birds chirping in the background of the buzzing of my alarm clock.

"So all of that was a dream?" I asked looking at nothing in particular. My roommate looked up from her desk.

"What was it this time?" she asked with a half interested half-not-caring tone of voice.

"Invader Zim: Soccer Match of Doom." I said as I looked over at her. She looked at me like I was a taco cow covered in dookie and then went back to whatever homework she was doing.

I sighed and got out of bed. My sheets and blankets fell into a pile on the floor. I had squirmed around while dreaming so much that I had completely taken my bed apart. Even my pillow was somehow out of its awesome outer space-nebulae pillow case.

I hit the off button on my alarm and got up to face the day.

* * *

_Well that was my night and morning. Pretty interesting huh? I hope the few people that read it liked it. I thought it was funny. Well duh! otherwise I wouldn't have written it down. Anyway that's all. READ MY OTHER STORIES TOO!_


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